Ever since humanity existed, a man has been rarely complete without a good woman beside him. The woman benefited from the man’s resourcefulness, strength, and leadership while she got the comforts of stability, protection and a sense of direction for herself and her children.
In recent times, especially in the last few centuries, this Man-Woman dynamic has been thoroughly questioned and tossed around. What it is to be a man and a woman in a relationship is ambiguous and confusing.
Despite the time we live in, men still need women and women still need men. Men who are decent, hard-working, not interested in hooking up, and culturally conservative still do think that the greatest decision of their lives is the woman they choose to marry.
But how do you find this woman in a world where the norms are dating, ghosting, gaslighting, situationships (the greatest insult to relationships), and a desire never to commit and take any responsibility?
Here is my complete 7-step guide to finding a wife.
Step 1: Find out Why You Need a Wife Now
If you don’t see any need, in fact, if you don’t feel any need, then it is clear you do not need a wife. Don’t waste other people’s time just because it is the next thing to do in life.
You must have a clear need for a woman.
What could be possible reasons for wanting a woman beside you?
My reason for finding a wife right now is that I am sick of being single. I don’t want to do everything alone anymore. Adulting is super tiring. This may sound like a not-so-serious reason to jump into making the most important decision of your life, but it is a good reason.
Men do their greatest work when they’re tired or frustrated by something. Frustration is a negative energy that, when not channelled correctly to transform into positive energy, leads to bitterness.
Besides being tired of singlehood, other possible good reasons for wanting a wife include:
- Raising a family. You want kids. Babies. I don’t know what biological wiring triggers this need, but it is a solid reason. Only a woman can give birth. So you have no other choice but to wife somebody so that they can birth your kids and take care of them.
- You want to be rich in money and health. Contrary to the fears of Western men, though, marriage is indeed a risky business where a disloyal, unhappy lady could walk away with half your wealth. But on average, marriage does lead to more wealth. Married folks earn more on average and are healthier, especially men who tend to struggle with living and eating well.
- You want purpose. Life becomes meaningless: eating, sleeping, doing a job, doing house chores, meeting the same people, doing random activities. But doing all of this for somebody suddenly adds meaning to life. Eating is no longer just for survival or pleasure but an activity of love where the wife cooks for her husband. You wanna work extra hard to make the most money so that you can keep your woman and children in as much comfort as possible.
Step 2: Define Your Dream Wife
Having to “define” somebody sounds horrible, but it is important in this case. You need to have some imagination of what traits your wife should have.
There’s no one-size-fits-all formula. It depends on your own values, upbringing and culture.
But I can tell you how I “defined” my wife as an example of inspiration.
After about a year and a half of reflection, I realized that most women would bring almost nothing to the table for me. I don’t need her education, nor her money, nor her funniness or personality (for all I care, I know how to entertain myself), nor her thinking, nor her family, nor her intellectual ability, nor her clarity, nor her therapeutic value. Absolutely nothing.
Except for one main thing. And a few other essential traits. There’s nothing at all most women can offer me.
That thing is her fertility. This is what I really don’t have and can’t have on my own. I need a woman for that. I need to choose a fertile woman between the ages of 18 and 29. Because I’m 27 and want a college-educated woman, the sweet spot is a 22-24 year old. By that time, she is no longer a teenager, has some life experience and has gone through the rigour of a college education. Unfortunately, it is not enough that she’s just fertile. She also needs to match my core values, be loyal to me (why should I give my privileges to a woman who wants to fool around?) and share the same goals in life so that she can come into my life.
That’s how I have come to define the wife I should be looking for. I am not suggesting that all men should be looking for the same things as me. But you get the idea.
Step 3: Use All Means to Get Into “Marriage Talks” with Women
If you’re culturally European, American, Canadian, Japanese or any other culture where there are no particular norms or processes for marriage, then you’re simply unlucky in this department of life.
However, some cultures, like South Asians (I happen to be one), have sophisticated systems to get people married, so much so that getting married is not so much a problem of lack of finding compatible people but simply a decision whether you want to get married or not.
If you’re a South Asian, then tell your friends, parents and extended family to help you find suitable matches. There’s nothing to feel weird about arranged marriages; you can get to know someone right before marriage and turn it into a love marriage 😉. Do not swipe left on a girl just by her bio-data. TALK TO THE GIRL and get to know her before saying no.
But just because you don’t live in or “belong to” a culture with marriage norms doesn’t mean you can’t bring up marriage in the discussion early on in the relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with making your intentions clear to the woman you date that the only reason you’re interested in seeing her is to see if you both are compatible enough to be married. As soon as you learn it won’t work out, that’s the end of the relationship.
Step 4: Let the Word out To Everybody in The World About Your Intentions to Get Married
This is helpful for multiple reasons.
1- It prepares you psychologically for marriage. If you do it like everyone else, which is “dating” girls. It basically means nothing at this point. Are you sleeping around? Are you navigating “situationships”? But if you say, “I want to get married.” Then, you reaffirm what you want and just put yourself socially in a situation where you expect a new person.
2- It is a marketing strategy to get more girls to have marriage conversations. When friends and family first get to know your intentions, they will give weird skeptical reactions like “Why do you need to get married?”, “Yo … that’s awkward.. first you need to date a girl, then move in, then marry. You can’t just marry her!” It is going to weird out a lot of people. But after repeating the same thing over and over again, they’ll get over it and might even come around to help you find someone.
I don’t recommend classic dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble to find marital prospects. In fact, most girls that use these apps frequently probably won’t be marriage material (I say this not to be judgemental but because if a platform is used for hook-up, short-term relationships, long-term relationships and everything else in between, how do you know definitively why x person is really using the app for? The most efficient calculation would be assuming nobody uses it for marriage.) Most likely, you’re better off using your community-oriented apps like eHarmony for Christians, Shaadi.com for South Asians, and Jdate for the Jewish and word of mouth.
Step 5: Give the Ring to The First Girl who Fits the Bill
People are not commodities that you can shop around. But that is exactly what dating has become. People treat other people with so much disrespect because they’re “shopping” for people.
In the dating world, there’s not only a growing hatred between men and women but just unimaginable behaviour towards each other as if the other person is not even a human being.
Ghosting, gaslighting, showing up late for dates, not even showing up, debating on who pays, going on multiple dates on the same night, and sleeping on the first date are not behaviours we can expect from an educated, sensible and sophisticated society. Unfortunately, this is the new horrible normal.
When having a marriage conversation with the girls, make it clear to her that you’re not fooling around. Promise her that the first person who fits the bill gets the ring. I call this the Ring Rule. This sets the tone of the relationship. Any disrespect, walk away in a split-second. This person doesn’t deserve to be married to you. Mutual respect is one of the most basic requirements for any successful relationship between two adult human beings.
Talk to one girl at a time (ideally), especially in later stages, and talk about core values, children and future goals. When core values don’t match, nothing else matters one bit in the relationship. The fact that you’re handsome and she’s cute is as useless of a metric for long-term stability as how many leaves should fall before winter.
The Ring Rule is important to realize that though you might find someone better than the girl you’ve already found, there’s less chance of finding someone who fits 100% of what you want. In other words, in finding someone better than what you have found, you probably have to comprise in something else with the next person. Thus, committing to the first person that fits your major requirements makes sense.
The other reason why the Ring Rule makes sense is time and effort. Why put time and effort into another person who will be comprised in other areas when the current one, so to speak, “does the job”? Thus, outcome-maximizing first is the best choice since there’s no way of predicting future outcomes.
One of my friends was shocked I adopted such a principle. He said you have 1000s of other girls who can fit your requirements, so why would you not keep looking for more when the girl you’ve found doesn’t meet something? I don’t think I was able to convince him fully. But even if it’s true that there are 1000s, perhaps 100s of thousands, of girls who are what I’m looking for, the catch is I don’t have access to them. It is important to consider factual reality versus living reality. In real life, I am not meeting these women! So once I’ve found my first girl, I’m going to commit.
Step 6: Give at Least One Year to The Relationship
Give the girl the chance to filter herself out. Give her every opportunity. There’s no need or use, to scare a girl about the consequences of cheating. If she’s gonna cheat, let her do so as early as possible in the relationship. Let her get into conflicts with you (not intentionally, though). Observe if she is the kind of person who can resolve problems. Can she work with you to solve issues together?
Give the girl other tests. Don’t always reach out to her and be the first one to initiate a conversation or make plans. If this girl doesn’t see the need to put effort into the relationship, why on earth should you put two cents into it?
I don’t consider anybody a friend until at least one year has passed with them. I want to see if this person feels the need to return to me. I want to see if our relationship lasts through the stresses of life. If we relate so much and have so much respect for each other, then real friends will automatically find a way to reconnect with you. Their heart will beat for you from time to time. Everyone else doesn’t deserve 1 second of my time.
I would apply the same rule when looking for a wife. I want to see what happens in the space of 1 year. Then I can sort of predict what can happen in 1 decade or perhaps, if I have some divination powers, 1 lifetime. If a girl cannot stick and commit to you for a year, I believe there’s zero reason why she should get the ring.
Within this one-year period, to show your commitment, you can technically give her the “ring,” i.e. the engagement ring. An engagement is only a promise to a marriage, not a marriage itself. If things fall apart between engagement and marriage, you’re the lucky one since you saved yourself from a lifetime of lemon.
Step 7: Educate Yourself and Her Before Marriage
You’ve found someone or are almost close to finding someone; what should you do in the meantime? You can spend this perfect opportunity educating yourself on marriages in particular and long-term relationships in general.
What the education system prepares us for, I am still not sure. I felt very lost after high school graduation. I felt the same after graduating from university. None of the education I received prepared me for life, job, relationships, friendships, beliefs, or really anything. Thus, I consider most of my education as a personal project. I learnt most of the things on my own (with the guidance of some loyal friends).
Given the uselessness of the education system, there’s no reason to assume you or your would-be-wife are ready for marriage. For that, you both need to read as much literature as possible. That will help you understand why marriages keep breaking apart and predict the fault lines in your relationship before they materialize so that you can fix them. On Reddit, I read about many people’s relationships that don’t share fundamental core values. For example, the girlfriend doesn’t want children, but her boyfriend does. This is like signing a contract without reading the terms.
Conclusion
Congrats! If you’ve executed the above steps with success, by then, the only thing remaining would be saying, “Yessss!!!”.
The exclamation marks are important. You should not be just relieved and happy to be married to your person; you should be jumping with excitement and confidence beyond doubt in the person you’re marrying. Any iffiness is no good.
Though it is okay to settle for a job, apartment or anything material, we should never settle for the relationships we keep and build. I repeat, never settle in the kinds of relationships you have with people. Every relationship should have, at the bare minimum, mutual respect. The most important of all of your relationships is the relationship with your wife. Your wife should also share the same excitement. If not, sadly, that becomes a one-sided relationship.
Lastly, marriage is no joke. The pain of divorce is only beaten by the pain of death. We should be mentally and emotionally prepared for the worst-case scenario. Therefore, I don’t recommend anybody under 25 to get married.
Most women want to be led into a relationship. As a man, you will be the leader of your family. You have to provide clarity when there’s none. You have to provide solutions when there are none. You have to rationalize possibilities when they’re not visible right away. If you’re under 25, you most likely don’t have enough life experience to execute the seven steps mentioned above successfully.
You will have to understand your wife’s needs and provide for them. Women rarely will give clear answers. Some of these needs are emotional, spiritual, material and others physical. Women are waiting for their man to figure out their needs and provide for them. Not really an easy task. But on the other hand, to your wife, you cannot be so wishy-washy; you have to explain to her your needs and how she could help. Again, this is a glimpse of what leading a relationship means.
If you’re under 25, I recommend not only not trying the 7 Steps to Finding a Wife but really not getting into any relationship at all. I have seen many family and friends who have wasted their lives going after girls. The reason is a serious relationship requires a huge mental process in your head. This leech in your head stops you from performing your best in other areas of your life. Most of the time, there’s nobody there to teach us that reality. If you spend your brains on going after girls, you’ll be in hard luck if it doesn’t work for anything else. Focus on learning, building, spirituality, communication, and your goals in life. If you’ve done that, by the time you’re 25, you will see that many women would be fortunate to be in a relationship with you. A position you absolutely wanna be in.
